anonymous0slut

The adventures of a real life slut in a conservative world

Swinger’s club FAQ


My relatively conservative town has recently opened a swingers bar. I’m actually kind of thrilled about it, so much so that I went both nights of the opening weekend. I’m sure I’ll be back way more often than I care to admit so I’m going to delay getting in to the juicy details. Instead I’m going to bore you with some frequently asked questions in the hopes that I’ll see you there soon.

1. Can anyone go?
Pretty much. Couples and single women are welcome every night at most bars whereas single men tend to only be allowed in on certain nights.

2. How does payment work?
In order for swingers bars to operate legally in Canada they must be members only. Membership at the new bar I’m attending is only 20$ a year (for singles or for a couples) but I have seen upwards of 80$ so be sure to ask. There is also a 30$ night fee.

3. How do you become a member?
Bring ID and pay the fee.

4. So people just have sex everywhere?
They can. I usually see sexual activities like kissing in the public space and full sex in the designated area. The club will let you know how it works

5. Do I have to have sex?
No it is pretty safe to assume nobody is going to force you to spread your legs. You might be surprised at how much you want to though.

6. Is it safe?
I would argue that it is safer than a regular bar. People tend to be very polite, they communicate well and they watch out for each other. People are all there for different reasons but everyone is there to have fun and are respectful.

8. If I’m not going for sex why go?
Because it is too much fun! The music is amazing, the crowd is laid back and sexy, there is usually stripper poles. What more do you want?

9. Isn’t it awkward?
It’s as awkward as you make it. I’m really social and I thrive in situations where talking to strangers is encouraged but you can stick to yourself and have a good time too.

10. Is it rude to insist on protection?
It’s rude not to. There are condoms everywhere and you need to use them.

11. How do I have sex with strangers?
Well this one is a bit harder. Communication is usually key here. If you are interested in someone, talk to them, and listen. Take the hint. Don’t bug them, don’t orbit them all night and don’t just walk up and lick them (also a great way to prevent Ebola. Just saying).
You can also just do what I do and point at them from one of the beds with a come hither look. Whatever works for you.

I started going to this type of bar a few years ago but the good ones were 6 hours away so it was few and far between. I love them and I’m so thankful that there is one close by. I understand how nerve wracking it can be to put yourself in an unknown, sexually charged situation. We have these ideas in our minds of 1970s key parties with bad music, shag carpet and moustaches (maybe that’s just me) but it isn’t the case.

I found a few couples I’m looking forward to getting to know, without the promise of sex. These are people that are open minded and fun. Yes, there is always going to be a few freaks thrown in to the mix but that’s where the excitement comes in. Why not check it out? You have nothing to lose

…except maybe your panties

The bar

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The play space

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The pole and I

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Choosing your tinder picture


I joined tinder; strictly for educational purposes, I swear. I have to say that I enjoy it more than I should. There is something mildly addicting and extremely satisfying about judging someone in a second and swiping them either left or right. Oh, the power!

The guys I have been matched with are, so far, pretty boring. I’m slowly building a small army of them though so that’s fun. With my vast knowledge, gathered from almost 2 weeks of being on the app, I have decided to help you. Because this app is made for quick decisions based solely on your first picture you need to know what isn’t going to work. That’s where I come in.

10 things to avoid in your tinder picture
1. Half your face
If you’re picture is a super close up of half your face I’m going to assume you bare a striking resemblance to the phantom of the opera. No way I risk going out for a drink with a guy that might only have half a face and a history of kidnapping.

2. Group of guys
I’m always going to guess you’re the weirdest looking one. That might be a good strategy if you’re looking for someone who won’t judge you for your appearance but if that’s the case, tinder probably isn’t the site for you.

3. Your girlfriend
Take a second and at least crop her out. If you are looking to include her in the fun that’s great but if you’re cheating this is a stupid mistake. Really stupid.

4. Ducklips
Did you know that men do this? It’s bad enough that this is the go to pose for women but guys, come on! You look ridiculous. I saw a guy who had 5 pictures and every single one was his impersonation of a duck. I laughed so hard it was a challenge to swipe him to the left. Maybe that was his intent.

5. Monkeys
Am I missing something here? I saw more than one guy whose picture was just him and a monkey. Just hanging out like “this? Oh it’s nothing. Just my monkey”. It’s weird. I’m wondering if it’s some sort of code to see if I’m in to interspecies erotica. I’m not.

6. Your cat
I know I come off as a cat hater in all my dating site posts but I’m saying it again. I don’t want to see you with a cat. It comes off as slightly creepy when your picture is just you staring intensely at me with a cat on your shoulder.

7. Pink suit
Did you know they still make crushed velvet suits in a variety of colours? You didn’t? Probably because they really shouldn’t. Now, if you are a funny guy and I can see you are at a costume party then maybe, maybe, you can get away with it. Probably not though.

8. Drugs and alcohol
I get it, you’re a baller. It comes off as immature and kind of stupid when you broadcast it to the world though.

9. Guns
Really?? Ok, this should be a no brainer. I’m not going out to meet a stranger from the Internet that boasts his gun ownership to the masses. I saw that movie, it didn’t end well.

10. Nothing
If your picture is a funny meme I’m assuming you make the half face guy look like a god.

So, there you have it, ten things to avoid when you choose your picture. I would say I hope they helped you but to be honest I like to think you’re smart enough to have figured them out already.

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A word on polyamory


A little disclaimer: I’m not saying that this lifestyle doesn’t work for people. I’m sure it does and, in fact, I have seen it.

I cannot imagine a day where I would be emotionally mature enough to even consider this possibility. I love everything about dating from the NRE to the sex. I am not the monogamous type and the idea of sleeping with one person for the rest of my life is unacceptable for me. Most people would agree that I should be able to enter in to a polyamorous relationship and make it work. Well, most people who don’t know me perhaps.

In reality I am the last person who should be attempting that type of commitment. Why? That’s easy.

1. I know that sex is not love

There is a huge difference between being in to swinging (having sex with others with or without your partner present but with consent) and being polyamorous. I can happily help another person suck you off but the idea of you holding hands with someone is too much for me.

2. Jealousy/competition

I need to win. In a relationship where my partner was dating more than one person I would constantly be questioning if I was good enough. Who is better in bed? Who does he love more? Who is the better cook? Scrabble player? Who is more interesting? Funny? It’s exhausting.

3. Time

There is never enough is there? We all know that dating one person is hard enough to devote enough energy in to, now splitting that in two? Too much work. Plus, I’m really bad at scheduling.

4. Love

I know it happens but I cannot imagine loving two people, equally, at the same time. Best case scenario is that I find a way but then what? I wouldn’t know how to do that long term. Someone would end up getting hurt and, if I truly loved both people, I would want to spare their feelings.

5. Anger

I’ll be as honest as I can be – I’m a pretty awful person. I can see myself getting in to a fight with one person and running to the other person. That cannot be healthy. I would end up breeding jealousy, competition and resentment which aren’t exactly the hallmarks of a good relationship.

6. Family

I come from a very conservative background. Luckily, your family should never know about your sex life. This is kind of difficult when you are bringing two people to thanksgiving.

7. Communication

I’m not so great at it. Until I am able to actually communicate my needs, my fears and my problems in a healthy way I’m just setting myself up for hell by being in a polyamous relationship.

8. Stability

I don’t know that I will ever be in a relationship that is stable enough or long enough to consider this option. I truly believe that you have to be in a good place with the person you are with before you add others or it just feels fake to me. It’s like you are hiding from the problems or trying to escape them instead of face them.

9. Commitment issues

I got em! Heck, I couldn’t even stick with this list long enough to make it to number 10.

I truly envy those people in healthy poly relationships. It is something that I will never rule out completely as it has interested me for a long time. I just don’t think it is very plausible for me, not how at least.

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