Cheating… it’s a fairly common occurrence in today’s monogamous society, but what exactly is it? Just like the term “relationship” itself, cheating is defined by the people involved, or that’s how it should be. All too often, we let society’s rules dictate what is right and wrong in our personal lives. There are times when that can be a good thing (murdering people = bad… I can buy in to society’s views on that one) but more often than not it just causes stress and guilt. On the surface, it seems that most people agree that going outside of a relationship for sexual gratification is a no go. I guess this is just one more example on why I am not like most people.
When you enter a monogamous relationship, you agree to refrain from having any sort of sexual contact with another person. If that works for you then great (I tend to believe that you are lying but I’ll accept it). The fact is that it simply does not work for most of us. I have my own definition of cheating that is much more acceptable outside of ‘mainstream’ society (Dan Savage, author of “Savage Love” is a huge advocate as well).
Cheating is defined as ” to deprive of something valuable by use of deceit or fraud” by good old Google. I agree. Notice how is does not say “shoving your cock in someone else”, it’s a little deeper than that.
When you deprive someone of something it implies that they wanted it in the first place. If your partner isn’t interested in sex and hadn’t been in a long time, you can’t really call it deprivation can you? You cannot take something from someone who doesn’t want it. It is a shame when people allow themselves to buy in to the idea that sex and kink are optional. They’re really not. Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink – you cannot force a person to get in to sex. You can only show them the way and support their exploration, hopefully that is enough.
The next part of the definition calls in to question what is “valuable”. I LOVE sex but, as I say in my first blog post, it isn’t overly valuable to me. Sex is great! I suggest doing it well and often but, emotions are much more important to me. When I am in a relationship I look to my partner as a sounding board for my thoughts, dreams and ideas. We have mind blowing, light fixture rattling sex but that isn’t the part that makes it a strong relationship (important, yes, but not the most important). Because of this, my relationships tend to be more open in the sex department. I would be much more hurt if i found out my partner was hiding their feelings from me, if they didn’t feel safe sharing their needs and wants.
Finally, the definition wraps up with mentioning deceit and fraud. If you you feel the need to hide your activities from your partner, whatever they are, you might be cheating. On the other side though, you need to enter a relationship with your cards on the table. If you know you just aren’t that in to sex you need to be honest about that, anything else is fraud and it is not fair to your partner. This stuff can be hard. We’re taught that sexually monogamous relationships are the only acceptable answer. So, we settle for one person. I am not saying you can’t be happy with one person. On the contrary, I don’t think I could handle more than one person emotionally. However, the idea of one cock for 60+ years makes me want to shoot myself. Maybe that’s a flaw but I’m okay with it and I make sure the people I am with are too (…now. I was a serial cheater for a long time).
I wish that this idea was more accepted. We should be choosing our mates by their personalities, confident in the knowledge that our sexual needs will be met, one way or another. If you have cheated I assure you that you are not alone.
Here are some stats on infidelity:
* 41% – marriages where one or both partners admit to infidelity
* 31% of marriages survive infidelity
* 74% of men and 68% of women say that they would cheat if they knew they wouldn’t get caught
Source: Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy
Cheating is common. With numbers like this I have a hard time believing that it is only caused by unhappy people. I think it’s time we look at the numbers and reevaluate our ideas on relationships and monogamy – wouldn’t you?