At some point last year I joined one of those free online dating services (feel free to use this against me if I ever try to convince you of my sanity).  My goal was pretty simple – get laid.

I’ve been told my entire life that boys were only after one thing. They don’t want to get to know you. They don’t care about you. They lie when they tell you that they love you. It is all just a big show to get in your pants. I was raised by two generations of women scorned – can you tell? Feel free to donate to my mental health fund, this type of stuff is the tip of the iceberg.

Armed with this valuable insight in to the male psyche, I installed the app, filled out my profile and uploaded a few sexy pictures. Then I sat down for what I thought was going to be a long wait. The responses poured in. It was actually ridiculous. I’m pretty sure that I was getting emails before my phone had finished loading. Those boys! They were looking for one thing alright…but it wasn’t the thing they were supposed to be looking for.

I have never had to answer so many questions about what I did on my spare time. My profile was crystal clear; I was looking for some NSA (no strings attached) sex. I didn’t want to date, no need to waste time and money on a fancy dinner. I don’t need to know your name, what you do or how cute your cat is. I’m sure that of the hundreds of responses I got there were some very nice guys but, to put it bluntly, I didn’t give a flying fuck.

I reread my profile in an attempt to to see where I went wrong. It was a whole paragraph long – just the right length to talk about how great my personal life was and what I was looking for. “I’m not looking to date, I just want to relieve some sexual tension,” it proclaimed. Ok, obviously my profile was not the issue.

My best guess was that the men who came across my profile got distracted by my body and didn’t bother to go any further. These are men after all – easily distracted by boobs and shiny things. So I decided to be a little more explicit in my responses.

Some sample conversations:
Him- hey hows it going?
Me – great you?
Him – good, what do you do?
Me – really not looking to talk. wanna hook up? 😉

Him – hey! I’m Joe Blow from a town near you.
Me – hello 🙂 You’re cute, we should go out!
Him – sure! I love Mexican food…and Italian. Oh and there’s this little place downtown…and I work for the government…and wanna see some pictures of my cat Fluffy? He’s rather cute

Him – hey! Saw your profile and you seem so interesting. What do you do on your spare time?
Me – suck cock

(There were also a few religious nuts, cock shots from around the world and judgmental assholes who enjoy criticizing the way I live my life. That’s a story for another day)

All in all, I had very little luck. Hundreds of guys and only two worth checking out in depth. I had one guy finally come over after talking for weeks. He fixed my car. We talked. He left. Not so much as a kiss on the cheek. Apparently when he told me he could come over to look under my hood he was being literal.

I met another guy for drinks with his wife. Red flag number one – I get dressed to the nines in a sexy dress, boobs out for the world to see, great set of heels, hair all pretty; they are in jeans and sweatshirts. Hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, they were in an open relationship and she travelled a lot for work. Perfect right? His emotional needs were obviously being met. I could come in, get off and leave. He was the most boring human being I have ever met in my entire life. It was painful. When he opened his mouth I had fantasies of putting my finger so far up my nose I could scramble my brain. It’s not just that he didn’t stop talking (I’m a pretty social person) it was that he had nothing to say. Here is a guy who is “living the dream” in an open relationship and I don’t even get a hint of sexuality from him. I was getting desperate though so I invited him out to a club for a drink. No amount of alcohol could convince me to look past how dull he was. He was cute though. If he had been smart he would have kept his mouth shut and I would have been all over that.

Guys – JUST SHUT UP AND FUCK ME!!!! I understand that this goes against everything you’ve been taught. I understand that “nice girls” want you to get to know them first. But, let’s be honest here, every once and a while isn’t sex just for orgasm’s sake wonderful?

You and I are not going to date. You’re not bringing me home to your mother – nobody needs to know about the dirty, perverted things we did behind closed doors (or in the bathroom of the club, or in the back of your car, or on that park bench..) and isn’t that the best part? Doesn’t that tempt you? It sounds pretty darn amazing to me. Sex without strings is sex without judgment and there are few things in life more awesome than that.

So, if you see me floating around the internet looking for a nice hard cock, do everyone a favor —

SHUT UP AND FUCK ME!