Tag dating

Choosing your tinder picture

anonymous.slut 3 Comments

I joined tinder; strictly for educational purposes, I swear. I have to say that I enjoy it more than I should. There is something mildly addicting and extremely satisfying about judging someone in a second and swiping them either left or right. Oh, the power!

The guys I have been matched with are, so far, pretty boring. I’m slowly building a small army of them though so that’s fun. With my vast knowledge, gathered from almost 2 weeks of being on the app, I have decided to help you. Because this app is made for quick decisions based solely on your first picture you need to know what isn’t going to work. That’s where I come in.

10 things to avoid in your tinder picture
1. Half your face
If you’re picture is a super close up of half your face I’m going to assume you bare a striking resemblance to the phantom of the opera. No way I risk going out for a drink with a guy that might only have half a face and a history of kidnapping.

2. Group of guys
I’m always going to guess you’re the weirdest looking one. That might be a good strategy if you’re looking for someone who won’t judge you for your appearance but if that’s the case, tinder probably isn’t the site for you.

3. Your girlfriend
Take a second and at least crop her out. If you are looking to include her in the fun that’s great but if you’re cheating this is a stupid mistake. Really stupid.

4. Ducklips
Did you know that men do this? It’s bad enough that this is the go to pose for women but guys, come on! You look ridiculous. I saw a guy who had 5 pictures and every single one was his impersonation of a duck. I laughed so hard it was a challenge to swipe him to the left. Maybe that was his intent.

5. Monkeys
Am I missing something here? I saw more than one guy whose picture was just him and a monkey. Just hanging out like “this? Oh it’s nothing. Just my monkey”. It’s weird. I’m wondering if it’s some sort of code to see if I’m in to interspecies erotica. I’m not.

6. Your cat
I know I come off as a cat hater in all my dating site posts but I’m saying it again. I don’t want to see you with a cat. It comes off as slightly creepy when your picture is just you staring intensely at me with a cat on your shoulder.

7. Pink suit
Did you know they still make crushed velvet suits in a variety of colours? You didn’t? Probably because they really shouldn’t. Now, if you are a funny guy and I can see you are at a costume party then maybe, maybe, you can get away with it. Probably not though.

8. Drugs and alcohol
I get it, you’re a baller. It comes off as immature and kind of stupid when you broadcast it to the world though.

9. Guns
Really?? Ok, this should be a no brainer. I’m not going out to meet a stranger from the Internet that boasts his gun ownership to the masses. I saw that movie, it didn’t end well.

10. Nothing
If your picture is a funny meme I’m assuming you make the half face guy look like a god.

So, there you have it, ten things to avoid when you choose your picture. I would say I hope they helped you but to be honest I like to think you’re smart enough to have figured them out already.

A word on polyamory

anonymous.slut 1 Comment

A little disclaimer: I’m not saying that this lifestyle doesn’t work for people. I’m sure it does and, in fact, I have seen it.

I cannot imagine a day where I would be emotionally mature enough to even consider this possibility. I love everything about dating from the NRE to the sex. I am not the monogamous type and the idea of sleeping with one person for the rest of my life is unacceptable for me. Most people would agree that I should be able to enter in to a polyamorous relationship and make it work. Well, most people who don’t know me perhaps.

In reality I am the last person who should be attempting that type of commitment. Why? That’s easy.

1. I know that sex is not love

There is a huge difference between being in to swinging (having sex with others with or without your partner present but with consent) and being polyamorous. I can happily help another person suck you off but the idea of you holding hands with someone is too much for me.

2. Jealousy/competition

I need to win. In a relationship where my partner was dating more than one person I would constantly be questioning if I was good enough. Who is better in bed? Who does he love more? Who is the better cook? Scrabble player? Who is more interesting? Funny? It’s exhausting.

3. Time

There is never enough is there? We all know that dating one person is hard enough to devote enough energy in to, now splitting that in two? Too much work. Plus, I’m really bad at scheduling.

4. Love

I know it happens but I cannot imagine loving two people, equally, at the same time. Best case scenario is that I find a way but then what? I wouldn’t know how to do that long term. Someone would end up getting hurt and, if I truly loved both people, I would want to spare their feelings.

5. Anger

I’ll be as honest as I can be – I’m a pretty awful person. I can see myself getting in to a fight with one person and running to the other person. That cannot be healthy. I would end up breeding jealousy, competition and resentment which aren’t exactly the hallmarks of a good relationship.

6. Family

I come from a very conservative background. Luckily, your family should never know about your sex life. This is kind of difficult when you are bringing two people to thanksgiving.

7. Communication

I’m not so great at it. Until I am able to actually communicate my needs, my fears and my problems in a healthy way I’m just setting myself up for hell by being in a polyamous relationship.

8. Stability

I don’t know that I will ever be in a relationship that is stable enough or long enough to consider this option. I truly believe that you have to be in a good place with the person you are with before you add others or it just feels fake to me. It’s like you are hiding from the problems or trying to escape them instead of face them.

9. Commitment issues

I got em! Heck, I couldn’t even stick with this list long enough to make it to number 10.

I truly envy those people in healthy poly relationships. It is something that I will never rule out completely as it has interested me for a long time. I just don’t think it is very plausible for me, not now at least.