I joined tinder; strictly for educational purposes, I swear. I have to say that I enjoy it more than I should. There is something mildly addicting and extremely satisfying about judging someone in a second and swiping them either left or right. Oh, the power!

The guys I have been matched with are, so far, pretty boring. I’m slowly building a small army of them though so that’s fun. With my vast knowledge, gathered from almost 2 weeks of being on the app, I have decided to help you. Because this app is made for quick decisions based solely on your first picture you need to know what isn’t going to work. That’s where I come in.

10 things to avoid in your tinder picture
1. Half your face
If you’re picture is a super close up of half your face I’m going to assume you bare a striking resemblance to the phantom of the opera. No way I risk going out for a drink with a guy that might only have half a face and a history of kidnapping.

2. Group of guys
I’m always going to guess you’re the weirdest looking one. That might be a good strategy if you’re looking for someone who won’t judge you for your appearance but if that’s the case, tinder probably isn’t the site for you.

3. Your girlfriend
Take a second and at least crop her out. If you are looking to include her in the fun that’s great but if you’re cheating this is a stupid mistake. Really stupid.

4. Ducklips
Did you know that men do this? It’s bad enough that this is the go to pose for women but guys, come on! You look ridiculous. I saw a guy who had 5 pictures and every single one was his impersonation of a duck. I laughed so hard it was a challenge to swipe him to the left. Maybe that was his intent.

5. Monkeys
Am I missing something here? I saw more than one guy whose picture was just him and a monkey. Just hanging out like “this? Oh it’s nothing. Just my monkey”. It’s weird. I’m wondering if it’s some sort of code to see if I’m in to interspecies erotica. I’m not.

6. Your cat
I know I come off as a cat hater in all my dating site posts but I’m saying it again. I don’t want to see you with a cat. It comes off as slightly creepy when your picture is just you staring intensely at me with a cat on your shoulder.

7. Pink suit
Did you know they still make crushed velvet suits in a variety of colours? You didn’t? Probably because they really shouldn’t. Now, if you are a funny guy and I can see you are at a costume party then maybe, maybe, you can get away with it. Probably not though.

8. Drugs and alcohol
I get it, you’re a baller. It comes off as immature and kind of stupid when you broadcast it to the world though.

9. Guns
Really?? Ok, this should be a no brainer. I’m not going out to meet a stranger from the Internet that boasts his gun ownership to the masses. I saw that movie, it didn’t end well.

10. Nothing
If your picture is a funny meme I’m assuming you make the half face guy look like a god.

So, there you have it, ten things to avoid when you choose your picture. I would say I hope they helped you but to be honest I like to think you’re smart enough to have figured them out already.